new beginnings.
Writing has been something I’ve naturally gravitated towards ever since I was a kid. I’ve always had some sort of journal or diary. I wrote a book about Furbies in the fourth grade. My parents constantly caught me staying up late at night reading “just one more chapter”. (The amount of times I faked being asleep with a book on my chest when they’d walk in my room at 3am…) I have books all around my house and I buy more books before I’ve finished the stack I already have. Whenever I travel I end the day by writing about it. I’ve written short stories and scripts and been lucky enough to have one of them made into a film but here’s the thing, I have a very severe case of imposter syndrome.
I’ve never felt like I could call myself a writer. Me? A writer? How hilarious. Even though it’s a world I’ve lived in for most of my life I’ve always felt like I was just a visitor. Not one who really participates in the craft. I don’t know where it comes from, probably need more therapy to figure that out, however it’s been something that has plagued me for years. This feeling of not being good enough or that I wasn’t capable or that someone would find out my “secret”. Whatever that means.
But you know, a lot can change in six months.
Six months ago I had a 9 to 5 office job in Downtown Toronto working in events. While I loved the people I worked with, I knew it wasn’t my passion. I didn’t want to work for someone else’s dream anymore. I loved writing but I barely had any time to do so because let’s face it, a 9 to 5 doesn’t create a great work/life balance. And also, you remember, I’m an imposter over here. Hi!
However, there comes a time where you just become so sick of yourself and your inner monologue that you say enough. So even though I had no idea where to start, I took a leap and quit. I booked a trip to the Dominican Republic and hopped on a plane with friends. My plan was to go have some fun in the sun and figure out the rest when I got back. And then… a pandemic happened. The Universe is a cruel mistress isn’t she?
So here I was quarantined alone in my tiny apartment with only my thoughts. Luckily for me, my office job needed me to stay on part time for a couple of months to finish off a contract so at least I had something to distract myself from the world closing down and my terrible timing of leaving a job.
At first I solely focused on that. To be honest, with all the uncertainty that was happening in those early days of COVID, it was nice to just focus on something familiar. But as the end date neared and things began to open back up, I realized it was time to walk the walk and jump into the unknown.
Now, I haven’t been unemployed since I was 15. I’ve always been organized and calculated before I’ve made my next career move so this has been new for me. It’s been a challenge not knowing exactly what’s coming next but I’m trying to be open to the possibilities. As crazy as it sounds, I feel like there was no better time for this to happen to me. I’ve spent more time with my parents in the past few months than I have in a decade. I’ve been able to enjoy the summer and help my brother move into his first home. I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to slow down and really reassess what I want from life.
I feel as though my old way of living is wrapping up. Those feelings of not being good enough are starting to fade and it’s moving me into a new territory. One where I confidently stand in my being and speak my truth because who knows what could happen? You might as well go for it right? A pandemic does that to you I guess. I couldn’t be more excited.
